i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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