the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
