It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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