Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
