I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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