I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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