I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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