i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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