Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
