I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
