Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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