1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
