Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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