I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
