can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
