I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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