what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
