I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I wear drunk well.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
