It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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