tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
