You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
