Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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