At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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