Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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