I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
