Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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