I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
We got so high we made milksteak
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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