You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
