she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
operation harelip BJ is a go
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
