I think scott just propositioned me for sex
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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