Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
