We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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