Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
