Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
