I got chris browned last night
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Everything about him screamed your future.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
