i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
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