So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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