That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
