the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
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And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
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Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits