my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
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My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
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You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...