a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
