After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
