If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
