I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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