Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
