she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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