3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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