When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
