covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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