Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Randomize
