she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
