Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
