she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
