bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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