i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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