That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
