I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
