Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Someone signed my nipple.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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