I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
