I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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