1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
This is the high leading the old right now
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
