i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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