We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
