OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
how do flat chested girls get laid?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
