Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
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