Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Randomize
