yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
